We will try again

We had a meeting this Tuesday gone with my Dr  so why did it all go so so wrong?It was looking peachy 10 fantastic mature eggs,8 fertilised, then next day 6 embryo looking mighty fine, Day 3- 4 embryos looking fantastic Day 4- leave them alone, Day 5 not looking so good, Day 6 only one embryo hatching into blastocysts stage… why?

WHY because a petri dish is not the ideal environment for embryos and because my eggs are not great quality anymore we are al bit long int he tooth so they are better in me than out.

We where encourage to go again but we also have to be prepared to have an untested embryo placed  on a day 3 or a day 5 as I may not ever get them to a day 6 for PDG testing.We have to play russian roulette and I also have to pre medicated with Prednisone and Clexane for the embryo to be able to embed with out my immune system attacking.So I will be titrated on and off prednisone when attemping these little episodes.

Time is running out and this is a staged show has to be managed to a fine detail. I know my partner would be such a great dad I can tell he will melt my heart.

I wanted to tell you about…

about my IVF journey but now after the last two days my journey had a bad unexpected turn.
My 6 embies instead of hatching they stopped developing.
We have nothing Tuesday we have the talk with my Dr probably a realistic talk now .It is not ment to be it all happened too late this trying to have a bub.
I can’t begin to list the horrid things I’ve subjected myself too
Then end up here .
Some say 21.12.2012 is the end if that is so I welcome it.

I am going to blog scream

Day 5 they my six embies have not hatched I want to scream this sucks why the whole six????
I want to cry they have one more day left to do there thing please babies please I beg you this is it my final chance I am now staring down the barrel of infertility and childlessness

The daily trip

So after my first injection the following day I felt rat shit tired  with sleepy hormones  I was all over the shop this lasted up to-day three then I had acupuncture I felt a bit better after that then started the most painful of injections Orgaletran ouch!
I started to pick up soon after these daily shots,I started to get lower back pain and quite thirsty the lower back pain is the eastern kidney area this energy region is used to create eggs so I was told so i got a nice massage there it really did help for a few days but I really picked up and I was going into the clinic at one stage daily to monitor my follicles and hormone levels bloods taken and PV ultrasounds just lovely.I wasnt allowed to get hot or sweat but I forgot a few times and ran for trains once I drank a big diet coke and nearly died when I realised that I wanted to be GOOD.
By the following Tuesday I was told it could be any day that my Dr would decide to harvest now I read many forums about this and I was terrified about the egg collection everyone mostly everyone was knocked out the sedated people complained of the pain.
All complained of the pain after the drugs wore off and rightly so (I am still in pain three days later).During this stage i would get call from the nurses telling me about the follies there size and how many although to get a response is good to get an over stimulated response wasn’t my goal I want quality not quantity.But I was lucky to get 8 good-sized follies which produced 10 eggies 9 mature and one not so.
So the call I had to inject my last two doses before 5 pm then the trigger at 7 pm but I was at work,I had to pardon myself and race home this last set of injections was the lest painful.By this time I had set up a routine of setting up youtube and playing music I had a ritual and started to see how habits around injecting form in a perverse way I miss it this shocks me,I guess the initial fear of injecting when you suffer from needle phobia is gradually replaced by courage it is a big hurdle a powerful mindset has to be created to get through the dread, the adrenaline, the emotions are all tied up into this ritual the prep work the tapping out of the air from the syringe the pinching of fat the site selection watching the drug go into your body..the music yes the music
My last shoot up was a celebration and the start of a multi step chapter the harvest then numbers game how many will fertilise, how many will we lose along the way, how many will survive to day 5, then to be biopsied how many will pull through that, then the freeze and thaw we could be left with none it isn’t an exact science it is a numbers game we have no control no matter how hard we try to give our eggs the perfect start.I did n’t eat so well I pigged out of meat and carbs but hey my body was building eggs and 9 more than normal so go with the flow I say and my acupuncturist says.

 

This is messy will fix up later I hear a frog outside going to check it out.

 

My IVF splurge

Two weeks ago I started my IVF trip,there was a lot of tests and medical procedures that lead up to it.Some of these are
AMH levels,Karyotyping,Histosonogram and an Endometrial biopsy for natural killer cells (which I have -bugger).
So two weeks ago I went into the biggest and most expense clinic in Sydney (links with RPA and my fertility Dr) their stats are a little better than the other clinic that can offer me the genetic testing which is needed to lower the % of miscarriage.
The room at the clinic was full it looks like the Qantas club after I start injecting I realize it smelt like hormones which made me laugh one morning.
Anyways after a bit of a wait I go in fix up the finances (goodbye to our savings) and have my blood work I am then given a backpack full of injections.
I carry this back to work and store it in will our refrigerated drugs,going home I feel paranoid that other women would recognize the print on the bag.
Here I am the 43 year old duck, trying to get pregnant with a good embie that will stick to my anti baby womb.
Now on the train I am wondering what time should I inject 8 am or pm as you must stick to that time I choose 9.30 pm as then I did not have to wake up early on the weekend.Still can go out after work and still inject although we did have one night it was borderline after going out with freinds who wanted to drive around to kill there time
As the hours ticked by I became more and more nervous the clock struck 9.20 so I gathered my needle and swab then the multidose pen sat on my bed prepped up twisted the pen for my dose then held a fold of fat on my stomach .
I could not do it I cried I was so fearful but I had to remind myself of the $$$$$$ we had invested but I didn’t want to do it still .The shame I felt towards my partner if I let him down drove me to inject it hurt a little and it was difficult but with in a few days I was a master and could not feel it at all.
The hardest part was the pen did not click the whole dose in so I had to re entre another site more tears to push through those units I missed.
This injection Gonal f lasted the whole 12 days after day three I had a second injection called Orgaletran which was a syringe it’s needle had a larger gauge and was so painful I thought the gonal f was nothing this injection had me upset for 8 days it was so painful it drew blood and the solution causes a reaction in my skin the only time it didn’t kill was the final day -funny that!

11/10/2011

Today 12 months ago I gave birth to Lucien,it seems every second of that day has become real again every small grain of it.
What can I say all who has experienced this type of loss knows what I am talking about, so much so I need not go into every detail that is running through my mind.
I nearly had to work this day the hospital where I gave birth at as my bosses “lost” my application for leave!They asked why I wanted today and tomorrow off.I told them and I was given today off.This is why I hate my job and I am looking for a way out without loosing my entitlements.

My summary

After months of trying hard -tests after tests horrible painful embarrassing tests just getting this job done and dusted,fighting a slow but good hospital system with all of what seemed like personnel barriers placed by certain members of staff As I tried to speed up the process the process that I do not have time to loose on.I tried my hardest I annoy the shit out of people if I didn’t I would be still waiting to know what I know now.
We had to go privately to get results a high cost.We could of waited 2-6 weeks for a free consultation but now we know what is wrong and what has to be done we know what we have to do were ready to start my IVF journey which will be late Oct.
But I have a possible reason why I lost my little Lucien I have high levels of natural killer cells in my endometrium.
It doesn’t make it easier it makes it harder.
Now I think if only we knew we could of saved him it could of been avoided maybe?
Natural killer cells new research in its field treatment with immune lowering medications is needed.
It is experimental but I have tried without and it isn’t working .
I am now doing fertility yoga and will start acupuncture I’m trying to loose weight we are trying 100%
I want to cry